Reconciliation (04.02.2006)

HONESTY AND COMPASSION: THE PROBLEM
Read the story about Jill and Paul dancing on a Saturday night (scroll to the bottom)

• What irritates them?
• What does each have a right to be frustrated about?
• How would each react if the other shared their frustrations?
• What would happen if each incarnated with the other?

Here's the problem we face: "How do I move toward someone who's a sinner when I'm a sinner myself?"

JESUS' SOLUTION
Read Matthew 7:1-5 about judging others

• What is the first step in reconciliation? How does Jesus tell us to begin?
• How does this kind of self-reflection change our approach to honesty?
• After we reflect on our own sin, two things happen to us:
  (1) Changes inside us - we see more clearly; the other person's sin will look duller and less intense
  (2) Something we do - our honesty is more compassionate; it's gentled by our awareness of our sin

The answer to the dilemma of Honesty and Compassion:

• Begin with "beam research." Understand why the other person is upset with you. Ask how you have hurt him or her. Be compassionate.
• Once you've listened and can see clearly, tell him or her what your problem is. Be honest.
• If he or she gets angry about your honesty, ask, “Are you saying that it’s OK for you to tell me your frustrations, but it isn’t OK for me?” Then go back to compassion again by simply listening to him or her.

If we merely incarnate (try to understand), then we’re being too passive. If we’re merely honest, then we’ll be judgmental.

In compassion, we begin by looking at the other person. In reconciliation, we begin by looking at ourselves.

So, why does Jesus never demonstrate "beam research" for us? Because He has no beams! He is without sin.

JESUS SHOWS HOW TO TAKE THE BEAM OUT
Read John 8:2-11 about the woman caught in adultery

Think for a minute about the trap they have laid for Jesus:

• If He doesn’t condemn the woman, He’ll be guilty of disobeying the Law of Moses
• If He does condemn the woman, He won’t be true to His own patter of compassion
• If He participated in the stoning, He would also be guilty of breaking the Roman law, which forbade the Jews from carrying out the death penalty
• Their trap is based on the centrality of compassion in Jesus’ life and teaching

What’s wrong with this picture? Who’s missing?

• The husband
• The eye-witnesses

Why does Jesus tell them that the ones who are without sin may throw stones?

• He wants them to do some basic “beam research”

Why do the men leave? Why do the older men leave first? What sins might they be convicted of?

• They’ve been convicted of their sin. The older men are wiser. May be guilty of same sin.

Why do you think Jesus refrains from answering at first? Why is He silent?

• Gives Pharisees time and space to reflect. “Beam research” takes reflection.

Do we tend to be patient or impatient when judging others? Are these men patient or impatient?

• We tend to be impatient. They are impatient (they keep on questioning Jesus).

BEING THE REAL DEAL
TABLE TALK: At your tables, discuss how we can live out these truths about reconciliation in the following relationships:

• With a Christian friend
• With a co-worker who is not a Christian
• With a neighbor whose relationship with Christ you are uncertain about

Asking for feedback can be painful. You draw the other person out, encouraging him or her to share unpleasant things about you. You do not really want to hear them, and they really do not want to say them. It’s risky. Honest evaluations often hurt. Don’t be surprised at how hard it is!

PRAYING GOD’S WORD
Use the following passages to pray God’s Word back to Him, either on your own or with others:

Lord, may I do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than myself. (Phil. 2:3) Teach me to be completely humble and gentle; to be patient, bearing with others in love. May I make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. (Eph. 4:2-3) All this is from You, who reconciled me to Yourself through Christ and gave me the ministry of reconciliation: that You were reconciling the world to Yourself in Christ, not counting our sins against us. And You have committed to me the message of reconciliation. I am therefore Christ's ambassador, as though You were making Your appeal through me. By my words and deeds, may I implore the world on Christ's behalf: Be reconciled to God! (2 Cor. 5:18-20) In Jesus’ name, AMEN!

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Jill and Paul went dancing with some good friends on a Saturday evening. They had all recently taken dance lessons and this was their first try at the real thing.

Since Jill loves to watch people, she was having a great time just sitting at their table; she could do it for hours. Paul was thinking very practically, “We’ve taken dance lessons; we’ve traveled 45 minutes to get here, so it is a waste of time not to dance. Besides, I want to dance.” Jill finally agreed to dance after he kept bringing it up.

They had a built-in problem when it came to dancing. Jill kept a great beat, but didn’t know the steps. Paul knew the steps, but didn’t keep a great beat. Fortunately, there is a rule in dancing that takes care of potential problems – the man is supposed to lead.

So after a little refresher course from their friends, they launched out. Within a minute or so, Paul got off the beat and Jill corrected it by leading him. When Paul got irritated at her for leading, she noticed it and said, “Now I know why I don’t like to dance. You get angry.” She didn’t want to dance anymore, so they sat down. They were polite, but there was a wall between them.

So they sat down for a few minutes. They decided to give it another go by splitting up and dancing with their friends. They did that for a few minutes, got the steps and rhythm down, tried again with one another, and it worked; but they both felt a separation between them.

In the past, Paul would be just thankful for the passage of time until it blew over. Her walls made things peaceful; they worked for both of them.

So Sunday morning Paul swallowed his pride, worked up his courage, and asked how he hurt her the previous evening. She said, “Why did we even have to dance? Couldn’t we have just sat there and watched the people?” Paul realized they could have. She was talking about his will. He knew he didn’t see his self-will because it envelops him and is the very way he looks at the world. During that evening, dancing just made sense to him. It was the logical thing to do. So he gently nudged his wife in that direction … and kept nudging … and kept nudging. She also talked about his anger.

That evening, they went out for a walk and he asked her again how he affected her the previous evening. Jill’s fear made her hesitant to express her heart. She talked about the other couple, “Did you see how our friends loved one another? Did you see how he tilted his head toward her because he delighted in her? How he concentrates, looks at her? You don’t love me that way.”

Later in the conversation, Paul told Jill it would have been easier for him if she had told him he was off beat and not just start leading him. She became angry at him for saying that. He asked her why it was OK for her to be honest but not him. She began to listen quietly.